blah blah blah bummer post
So I was reading cereta's post about rape and why men aren't helping to stop it. I like it because it holds men accountable for helping prevent rape when society treats issues like rape and sexual assault as exclusively women's issues. People talk about how many women are raped, and we should definitely talk about that. But we should ALSO be talking about how many men rape women, and that almost never gets talked about in the mainstream. And I want to talk about it too, apologizes in advance for the weirdest segue ever.

Okay, you know what I really hate? Jokes about how girls can't go to the bathroom alone, how we move in herds, etc. Those jokes have always annoyed me. Because I think they illustrate on, like, a visceral level, how much guys just. don't. get. it. They seriously don't get how women are socialized to move in packs and do things together -- and even if they do make that connection, they don't get WHY we are socialized to do that. Newsflash: it's to keep us safe FROM YOU.

I have typed up this rant before (in entries and replies) but never actually posted it because I feared the inevitable responses of "But I go to the bathroom by myself!" or "I've never gone to the bathroom with a friend because I'm worried about my safety!" or "I go out alone and am never scared!" And I would pretty much agree with all of those comments. I don't make a conscious decision to accompany a friend to the bathroom (exceptions for clubs, bars, some rest stops, and generally seedy places) because I fear for her or my safety. I do not live in constant fear. I run and walk alone and always have. I go out at night by myself and do not think anything of it. I'm not nervous about walking through parking garages or parking lots or stairwells. I like to be on my own, and I am confident in my ability to take care of myself.

But the thought of what could happen is almost always there, even if it's at the very back of my head. I'll be walking alone at night from Point A to Point B and think about what I would do if that guy lounging over there against that post started following me. I've gotten off a bus early at a more crowded stop because a man was making me uncomfortable. I've kept pepper spray on my key chain and my keys in my hand in the parking garage. I've felt startled when I've taken a stairwell late at night and passed a guy coming down the other way. I've jumped out of my skin when I was passed by a guy on the seldom-used trail I used to walk on at my old place. It seems like female hikers and runners and bikers go missing all the time, so yeah, I've thought about it. And it's sort of like I'm thinking to myself: "I shouldn't be doing this. I know this isn't smart. I'm taking a risk." But I do it anyway, and sometimes I even get almost a resentful, defiant thrill in doing these not necessarily very smart things. Even though I know (statistically speaking and from experience) that I'm about a zillion times more likely to be hurt/skeezed on by an acquaintance or someone I'm on a date with than I am likely to be accosted by some weirdo popping out of the bushes. But it's still there.

And I think back to the night I got really really really wasted in college. My friends left me at the party, and I didn't know anyone. I was mad, and I wasn't thinking straight, so I decided to walk back to campus on my own. At 3am. It was a long, cold walk so I'd mostly sobered up by the end of it, and I remember thinking: "Wow, you're stupid. If something happens to you, you deserve it for being so ridiculously fucking stupid." Obviously I was fine, but there was a tense moment when a car pulled up to the curb and a guy rolled down his window. He just wanted directions, but there were definitely a few seconds of: holy shit, this is it, I can't run in these shoes so I need to kick them off, etc.

And it makes me think back to all the times my parents have told me to "take your sister with you," or the time I showed my mom the trail where I walked and she proceeded to freak the hell out and tell everyone she knew that her DAUGHTER was walking a trail ALONE in the WOODS at DUSK and could they even believe it, or how she still tells me not to walk alone. I think about how my sister would call me on Tuesday and Thursday nights so I could talk to her while she walked from her night class to the parking garage, and we'd chat until she was safely in her car. Safety In Numbers. I mean, that's how I was brought up. I imagine that's how a lot of you were brought up too.

So whenever I hear a guy all like LOL GIRLS ALWAYS GO TO THE BATHROOM TOGETHER, I kinda want to punch him in the face. No, it's not because we have to do everything together, jackass. It's not because we don't ever shut up, and it's certainly not because we're talking about you (although maybe we totally are). It's because in the society we've grown up in, we've been taught -- and way too many of us have learned first hand -- that we're not safe when we're alone. And so you've got to spend your entire life being Smart and making Smart Decisions, and even that might not be enough because it's almost always the devil you know. And then if there's that one time (like you didn't eat enough at dinner and end up way too drunk at a dumb party where you get separated from your friends) that you're not smart and something awful happens to you... well, it's your fault for being Stupid. Because the responsibility for preventing rape is 100andfuckingten% on us, and that's really really really wrong.

I've never heard a single person in my life say "she was asking for it," but I have heard people say "she should have been more careful." She shouldn't have drunk so much. She shouldn't have been doing drugs. She shouldn't have trusted a stranger. She shouldn't have taken that ride. She shouldn't have gone into his room. She shouldn't have been walking alone at night. She should have taken a friend. She shouldn't have gone to see her ex. If she wanted to avoid strangers harassing her, she shouldn't have worn that outfit. It all amounts to pretty much the same thing. As a society, we place the responsibility for preventing rape squarely on women. And we internalize that and deal with that on a daily basis. But men don't have to, and they aren't asked to. Which is why I was glad to read cereta's post, because it is high past time to demand that men start sharing in the responsibility of preventing rape.